Feaster Five 2006!

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it.

- Chinese proverb

10K and mental health

I ran 6.27 miles last Tuesday, my longest outside run. It was tough for only a little while, otherwise very enjoyable.

I'm at about 300 miles on my shoes, so I need to get new ones soon. I guess I'll try the Asics Kayano XII. I wear the Kayano XI now, but they've been discontinued.

All my runs since the break up of my relationship have been enjoyable. I don't feel stressed while running anymore. I didn't realize how destructive the whole relationship was until I was out of it. I need to figure out why that is.

Started therapy this week and ended up talking mostly about the cause of my PTSD. I'm still having trouble remembering some things from the event, and when I cry, it's from a very deep place of pain. My thought as I cried this last time was, "It was so awful". And what's so isolating about the whole thing is that no one will ever know just how awful it was. Only the people who were there know. It never once occurred to me to contact the victims, or see them in the hospital. I didn't see the actual accident happen, so although the police took my info, they never contacted me. My therapist thinks that there was sort of a lack of closure, and of course not being able to talk about it afterwards did not help at all.

Three years later, I am letting the feelings come and go as they like, without limiting or pushing them away. I think I still have a hard time believing just how awful it was, and maybe if I really admitted to myself how horrific it was, I'd break down. As I told the therapist the story, I got a flash in my head of a scene (normally I just tell the story factually, and I don't connect with it at all). That scene really jolted me and made me realize, "WOW. There's a real reason I disassociated. There is no way I could have been of any help if I reacted to what I saw". But then my mind stepped in and denied it all - how could it have been that bad? But it was. And I am still surprised that everyone lived.

I went to an online forum for trauma survivors today. I was surprised and glad to see that a lot of my feelings are common. The utter denial of what happened. The isolation. No one to talk to who could understand. I'm glad I'm not alone in at least that.

I wonder if other people who were there that day are going through any of what I'm going through. I don't know how I would contact them. But I will remember their faces. I would know the man who helped direct traffic, I would know the man who..

I can't finish this now. As I typed that last sentence I started breathing very fast and began to cry. It's okay that I'm connecting with some of it finally, but I need to stop for now.